Monday, December 18, 2017

Dear Cloud member Nine9 releases Jonghyun's final letter

She received permission from his family to release his final letter. It was his final request for her. 

(t/n: I think he was referring to the depression as a separate being, like the depression itself is a separate identity)

I was broken from the inside. 
The depression that slowly nibbled on me ended up swallowing me up
I couldn't beat it.
I hated myself. I held onto dying memories and even though I yelled at myself to get it together, there was no answer. 
If I can't release the suffocation, it's better to just stop. 
I asked, who can take responsibility of myself. 
Just you. 
I was completely alone.
Saying you're going to end it is easy. 
Ending it is hard. 
I lived with that hardship up until now. 
You said I wanted to run away.
That's right. I wanted to run away. 
From myself.
From you.
You asked who was there. 
I said me. Again, I said it was me. And once more, I said it was me.
I asked why I kept on losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. In the end, it's all my fault. 
I hoped for people to notice but no one knew. They've never met me so of course they didn't know I existed. 
I asked myself why I was living. Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives.
If I asked, why you die, you would probably say because you're worn out. 
I suffered and contemplated. I have never learned how to change pestering pain into joy.
Pain is just pain. 
I urged myself to not be like that. 
Why? Why can't I even end things the way I want to end them?
I tried to find out why I was hurting. 
I knew too well. I'm in pain because of me. It's all my fault and because I'm worthless. 
Doctor, did you want to hear these words?
No. I did nothing wrong. 
When they quietly blamed it on my personality, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor. 
It's fascinatingly strange to see why I'm in this much pain. People who are suffering even worse than me are living fine. People who are weaken than me are living fine. Maybe not. Amongst people who are alive, there's no one suffering more than me, no one who is weaker than me. 
But I was still told to live.
When I asked hundreds of times, why I had to do that, it wasn't for me. It was for you. 
I wanted it to be for me. 
Please stop talking about things you don't understand. 
Asking me to figure out why I'm suffering. I've told you numerous times. Why I'm exhausted. Am I not allowed to be in this much pain for that reason?  Does it need more specific drama? Did you need more of a story?
I already told you my story. Were you pretending to listen? What I can overcome won't remain as scars. 
Maybe I wasn't cut out to collide with the world. 
Maybe my life wasn't meant for it to be known to the rest of the world.  
That's why everything was hard. It was hard because of the colliding and becoming known. Why did I choose that. This is ironic. 
It's admirable that I held out up until now. 
What more can I say. Just tell me that I did a good job. 
That this is good enough. That I went through a lot. 
Even if you can't smile, please don't send me off with guilt. 
You worked hard.
You really went through a lot. 

1. [+10664, -134] Jonghyun-ah, good job. I pray that the place you're in is warm and comfortable

2. [+7291, -120] I think it might be a bit burdensome to tell you to be happy in that place. Good job. You went through a lot. 

3. [+7113, -96] Ha.... You must've thought so many thoughts all alone.. My heart's really torn.. I pray that you live well in that place without worrying about anything... May he rest in peace.

4. [+5977, -118]  Good job. You really suffered too much. The day is cold, I hope you're warm in that place. I'm really going to miss you.

5. [+5211, -116] I hope you're happy and don't suffer in heaven.. 

6. [+1757, -36] He must've had a really intense depression.. I don't know what kind of doctor he was seeing but if he had met a more supportive one.. We don't know all the details but it really looks like suffered by himself. My heart hurts.

1. [+5131, -38] You can tell how depressed and how much he was suffering just by reading the letter. This is really sad. On screen, I only remember his bright smile but inside he was really suffering... I hope you get rid of your depression and is happy in heaven, please.. In the midst of this, people who are leaving hate comments to shred the fans' hearts, I hope you get punished.

2. [+3702, -29] Good went through a lot...I hope you're at peace...

3. [+2864, -41] Jonghyun-ah, I'm sorry.. I couldn't understand your pain... You really went through a lot and good work, I can tell how much you were suffering.. You really went through a lot

4. [+2562, -21] Thank you for your good work. You went through a lot. 

5. [+2130, -27] You went through a lot ㅠㅠ Jonghyun-ah, bye..